About Me (and then some...)

Since I am a horrible rambler, and therefore cannot describe myself in 1200 characters under the convenient tab titled About Me, I have copied and pasted it here.

I am a proud wife and mother, who is not afraid to admit that being a parent is not as easy as I always thought it would be. And that, as a result, I am not all the way sane.

That being said, I could have never of imagined what an intensely beautiful experience motherhood would be. My son has been my best teacher. My biggest ally. My reason when I can't find many reasons. He is why I am crawling out of this storm a better person. What storm you may ask?
Flash back to 8 years ago: I was a carefree college student who had just found the love of my life. My life was radiant with happiness that I didn't have to try for. Although, I did still battle some bouts of depression and anxiety in those days, I was the calmest I had ever been. For once, I could breathe.
I had considerable experience babysitting while growing up, so for extra college cash I nannied for a few families. I learned tons, and thought for sure that when the time came, I was going to be the best mom there could be. I finally knew what I wanted to be when I grew up!

Flash forward to Sep 2010: After 18 long, worrisome months of trying to conceive my husband and I (the love of my life I mentioned earlier), got the most important news of our lifetime. It was Cole! We had a wonderful pregnancy and planned to have a natural home birth. SKREEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Flash forward to July 14th, 2011 (11 days after Cole is due):  Despite his late arrival, everything else still seems to be going pretty smooth with the pregnancy (aside from some high BPs), but we go in for a routine ultrasound to be safe. Turns out I am carrying 3 times as much amniotic fluid as necessary and Jesse and I need to make the decision on whether to induce. We decide not to risk the slightly higher chance of cord prolapse, which can be fatal. We take 5 minutes to make the decision, and 12 hours I am in the hospital being induced. Twelve long hours into my labor, I agreed to take an epidural. Although, as everybody promised, I felt tons better, I also felt my first shot of guilt and failure as a mom. I kept on, but 12 hours later, my life changed forever. I lost all control when I had no other choice but to have a C-section. Looking back, I wish I would have prepared myself better. The C-section wasn't the bad part, it was losing control. And two years later, after a long battle with postpartum anxiety, I am still fighting to let go of control when I need to. I have worked on several other aspects of myself, and I am coming out the other side a better person than I was when I went in. I have learned a lot about myself, my husband, and our family. I finally have the strength built up to look back so I can look forward. Wait, can I do that one day at a time? Because that is my ultimate goal: To enjoy today.

So that is who I am, and why I'm here. Now that I can say that proudly, I can sit back and enjoy my life with my family.

Wait scratch that. I can't sit back anymore, did you catch that one?  Ha. No, but I can enjoy. Which hasn't been an easy thing to do for a woman with excruciating anxiety who must endure the constant unwanted "Supermom Tips" that a new mom faces. It took me almost 18 months to realize that everybody has a different opinion, and that every parent encounters this horrible onslaught of clueless advice givers. Now that I have began to accept that I will never be a perfect mom, but that I can be a great mom, life is looking brighter.

Being a parent is a hard job, and anybody who says any different has a freakishly calm kid, a full time live-in nanny, or is lying. Okay, so maybe I still feel the need to defend myself. But I'm working on it.

The Blog Wagon

This year I'm done not doing things because everybody else is doing them. By golly if I want to go with the crowd I'm going to. In the past the extremist in me always thought that, because I was odd, I would never fit in with the crowd. Nor did I want to. I've missed out on many cool opportunites, because at some point along the way I decided "cool" equals boring. However, I learned a lot in the storm of what was 2012 and my perspectives have changed along with my insights. So this is why, when the thought popped into my mind to chronicle my family's daily happenings, I decided to jump on the blog wagon. Then I thought, oh, wait a minute maybe that wagon has already rode out of town. Do people still read blogs like they used to? Probably not. Good, I'm safe, still not cool....