Since I am a horrible rambler, and therefore cannot describe myself in 1200 characters under the convenient tab titled About Me, I have copied and pasted it here.
I am a proud wife and mother, who is not afraid to admit that being a parent is not as easy as I always thought it would be. And that, as a result, I am not all the way sane.
That being said, I could have never of imagined what an intensely beautiful experience motherhood would be. My son has been my best teacher. My biggest ally. My reason when I can't find many reasons. He is why I am crawling out of this storm a better person. What storm you may ask?
Flash back to 8 years ago: I was a carefree college student who had just found the love of my life. My life was radiant with happiness that I didn't have to try for. Although, I did still battle some bouts of depression and anxiety in those days, I was the calmest I had ever been. For once, I could breathe.
I had considerable experience babysitting while growing up, so for extra college cash I nannied for a few families. I learned tons, and thought for sure that when the time came, I was going to be the best mom there could be. I finally knew what I wanted to be when I grew up!
Flash forward to Sep 2010: After 18 long, worrisome months of trying to conceive my husband and I (the love of my life I mentioned earlier), got the most important news of our lifetime. It was Cole! We had a wonderful pregnancy and planned to have a natural home birth. SKREEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Flash forward to July 14th, 2011 (11 days after Cole is due): Despite his late arrival, everything else still seems to be going pretty smooth with the pregnancy (aside from some high BPs), but we go in for a routine ultrasound to be safe. Turns out I am carrying 3 times as much amniotic fluid as necessary and Jesse and I need to make the decision on whether to induce. We decide not to risk the slightly higher chance of cord prolapse, which can be fatal. We take 5 minutes to make the decision, and 12 hours I am in the hospital being induced. Twelve long hours into my labor, I agreed to take an epidural. Although, as everybody promised, I felt tons better, I also felt my first shot of guilt and failure as a mom. I kept on, but 12 hours later, my life changed forever. I lost all control when I had no other choice but to have a C-section. Looking back, I wish I would have prepared myself better. The C-section wasn't the bad part, it was losing control. And two years later, after a long battle with postpartum anxiety, I am still fighting to let go of control when I need to. I have worked on several other aspects of myself, and I am coming out the other side a better person than I was when I went in. I have learned a lot about myself, my husband, and our family. I finally have the strength built up to look back so I can look forward. Wait, can I do that one day at a time? Because that is my ultimate goal: To enjoy today.
So that is who I am, and why I'm here. Now that I can say that proudly, I can sit back and enjoy my life with my family.
Wait scratch that. I can't sit back anymore, did you catch that one? Ha. No, but I can enjoy. Which hasn't been an easy thing to do for a woman with excruciating anxiety who must endure the constant unwanted "Supermom Tips" that a new mom faces. It took me almost 18 months to realize that everybody has a different opinion, and that every parent encounters this horrible onslaught of clueless advice givers. Now that I have began to accept that I will never be a perfect mom, but that I can be a great mom, life is looking brighter.
Being a parent is a hard job, and anybody who says any different has a freakishly calm kid, a full time live-in nanny, or is lying. Okay, so maybe I still feel the need to defend myself. But I'm working on it.
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